Blog 40: Wanting to Make Peace

I sent my sister Renee a text the other night.  I was in the middle of my nightly prayer, asking God to please be with my family and help us to get through this difficult journey, when I stopped praying and picked up my cell phone and wrote the text message to Renee.  I just can't stand the distance between us, and all the hurt.  It takes more energy to hold on to the anger than to just let it go.  This is what my text said...

I want to let you know that I am ready to move forward and put the pain behind me.  It doesn't mean things still don't hurt, but I'm making my best effort to get past it.  Everyone of us is fighting a hard battle, no one is spared.  This isn't for mom because she doesn't know.  It's for my kids and wanting to set a good example for them that I can be a good sister, just as I am a good mom, daughter and nana...and for the benefit of hopefully having all of my sisters back.  Sorry it's the middle of the night but I have to say it now before I lose my nerve.  It's always the middle of the night that I am at my most vulnerable, scared, and lonely time.  Please accept my apologies for all that I have said and done to you that was mean and hurtful.  I never stopped loving you.

She wrote me back the next day and thanked me and said she appreciated everything I said.  She said she would get back to me after she's had time to process everything.

I wrote her back and said to take all the time you need.  I did.  We've been through a lot.

I don't know what will come of this but at least I feel better in knowing that I took the first step.  Now it's up to her.  Really, it's up to all of us.  I know she is going to want to address some things from the past that got us where we are but I am going to suggest that we not talk about that for awhile, so we can concentrate of moving forward and being loving and caring sisters again.  Then when we are in a better place maybe we can talk about the all the bad stuff and try to come to terms and make peace with it all.

The next day I called the nursing home to talk to my mom and she was not doing very well.  She was so upset and near tears.  She said she had a bruise on her left breast and she needs to go to the hospital.  I could definitely sense her fear.  She asked me if I ever had that before.  I told her I get bruises all the time.  I wanted to ease her mind but there wasn't anything I could say.  Mom couldn't tell me how she got the bruise.  I told mom I will be there soon and she said she was not in the mood.  Before we hung up I told her I love her and she said she loves me too.  Then she said to come over whenever I can get there.

I called back and asked to speak to one of the care managers and one of the girls that I like there took the call.  I told her what my mom said and she said she didn't know anything about it since she was gone for two days.  She said she will check into it and I can call her back in ten minutes.  When I called back, Ansel, the manager answered the call and he immediately went off on me.  He told me that I have been told before that they cannot discuss any medical issues with me regarding my mom, that I would have to speak to Renee because she knows everything before my mom even tells me about it.  I told him that I was just concerned because she was so worried and scared. I told him I don't need to know anything medical, I'm just aware that her mood has been very agitated lately, and.......he cut me off.  He was very rude to me.  He hasn't been that way to me before, at least not this bad.  He's explained things to me in a gentle way regarding issues I've been concerned about, but this time he was very curt with me on the phone.  I don't know if he was having a bad day or what his deal was but I did not appreciate his tone of voice with me and his lack of professionalism as the director of that department.    He told me my mom is there because she needs to be and they are taking good care of her.  That is his personal opinion, and now I really have my doubts.  If he was that rude to me, how is he treating the residents, my mom in particular, when they are being difficult to handle?  He seemed to enjoy the fact that I am left in the dark and that he knows more about my mom now than I do.  His higher than thou attitude rubbed me the wrong way.  I only wish I had recorded the conversation.  I'd post it right here.

I guess when Renee and I can open the lines of communication, in a healthy and constructive way, I might be able to convince her to let me in on some things that are going on with my mom that I have no idea about.  I am her daughter, too.  Then I'm hoping she will let Ansel know that I can inquire about my mom whenever I want.