Blog 32: My Mom is the Wind Beneath My Wings

This is Mother's Day, May 13, 2012, and I wanted to post something different, something special for my mom.  My last post was about my mom being placed in a nursing home one year ago.  This post is current.  I will go back to where I left off on my next post.

Today I spoke to my mom on the phone and I told her Happy Mother's Day!  She said, thank you, same to you!  I was happy that she remembered that I am a mom, and I have kids.  I asked her if she got the Mother's Day card I sent her.  She said she wasn't sure if she got it, but I asked one of the staff and they said she did.  It's one of those musical cards that when you open it up it plays 'You Are My Sunshine'.  She was sitting on a bench outside of her room and she started singing the song, to which I sang right along with her.  She was just belting out the words and she knew every last one, too.  It sure put a smile on my face.  I knew then that she most likely had been looking at the card, over and over again, because that's what she does.

I am not able to see my mom today, sadly, but I was with her just a couple of weeks ago.  She asked me if I was coming over because she didn't want to be there alone.  Usually I remind her that I don't live close by anymore but I will be there real soon.  This time I told her I would come over.  Why not give her a happy moment?  It makes her feel good, and she won't remember anyway.  I know some of my sisters were going to go see her today, so she won't be alone.

The "Wind Beneath My Wings" song makes me think of my mom.  She made so many sacrifices in her life for her daughters and grandchildren.  My sister had the words to this song embroidered and placed in a frame that hung on Mom's living room wall for years.  I will forever be grateful for what she has done for us. She is my hero, she is the wind beneath my wings.  I love you so much, Mom!

Blog 31: Mom's New Life In A Nursing Home

I have made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want my mom going into a nursing home.  I wanted to take care of her.   About ninety-percent of our family felt that it was too soon for my mom to be placed in a nursing home, it wasn’t just me.   

Mom was brought to a nursing home on April 11, 2011.  She was placed there by Renee, the sister who went against the rest of her sisters and took the legal route to get guardianship and conservatorship, so that she could make decisions on her own.  She was now in control of mom and in control of how the rest of our lives would be with our mom.  I, and my other three sisters, lost all of our rights as Mom’s daughters.  We had no say in anything, and were left to feel helpless as we watched her do as she wished with our mom. 

Not only was my mom missing her family because she was placed in a facility three hours away from them, but she was also restricted from receiving phone calls from her children and grandchildren.  The only ones who were able to call and visit freely were Renee and her husband and children, who lived just minutes away.  What she did was unfair to not only our mom, but to the rest of her family. 

I called my mom and was able to speak to her the first week she was in the nursing home.  Renee was there the first couple of times.  After that week, I wasn’t allowed to call to speak to my mom anymore.  I was told she was resting, and was asked if I wanted to leave a message.  This happened too many times and I was getting worried.  I finally asked one of the staff members why I wasn’t allowed to talk to my mom and when I left a message, nobody would call me back.  They told me I have to talk to Renee.  I knew she was behind it.  For the next four months, our entire family was told we had to contact Renee if we wanted to speak to our mom/grandma. 

Renee told all of the family to call her cell phone if we wanted to talk to Mom and she would call us back when she was with her.  Her excuse was that there were too many of us and the staff can’t be bothered with a bunch of phone calls.  My argument to her was that she can’t possibly call everyone back when she is with mom, and my kids can only talk at certain times that are good for them since they have busy jobs and small children to tend to.  It is easier for my kids to call when they have a free moment.  It should not be up to Renee to say when they, or anyone else, can talk to her.  This control thing was getting so out of hand!  I felt that she was using that as an excuse because I would think that someone who is paying $6,400 a month for nursing home care, should be allowed to use the phone to talk to family.   Mom never spoke long and not everyone was going to call everyday.  I suggested paying for a phone for mom in her room.  It wasn’t allowed. 

I refused to go through my sister to speak to my mom, as this was just another one of her power ploys.  She wanted to be there to monitor the phone conversations.  She was always so concerned about what Mom was saying and what we were saying.  She needed to control every situation, control what mom said and what we said to her, and I simply did not want her to try to interfere with my own personal and intimate relationship with my own mom.  Mom was very different when we spoke when she was alone.  She could talk freely and she wasn’t distracted.  The few times I spoke to my mom when Renee was there, Renee kept talking to Mom and telling Mom what to say.  I could clearly notice the difference.  Mom was more herself and calmer when she was alone.  She could say what she wanted to say, without fear of reprisal.  She showed her true feelings, depression, too. 

I spoke with the manager of the nursing home and expressed my concern about not being allowed to talk to my own mom on the phone, when I live 1,600 miles away, and can’t just drop in like Renee can.  I told him I felt it was important for my mom to know that I love her and if she doesn’t get to talk to me, or my kids, she will feel that we’ve abandoned her and we don’t love her, which will in turn make her feel sad, hurt, and scared.  I also said that Mom and I are close, and I want to keep our relationship as mother and daughter close, because the time will come, sooner or later, that she won’t even remember me.  Every day is critical.  I told him I wouldn’t be calling everyday and that my kids will probably only call once a week because I will fill them in on what is going on with their grandma after I speak with her.  He understood my concerns and said he would talk to Renee.  He called me back and said she agreed that he could call me once a week to talk to my mom.  I said that’s not enough.  Then he said twice a week.  We selected the days for him to call.  The problem was, I would be waiting for the call, and he wouldn’t call.  He got busy, or he forgot.  I looked forward to those few minutes I could talk to my mom.  That system wasn’t working out.

I reminded Renee that she was not being fair to the rest of the family.  Why was she allowed all the freedom to be there for Mom while she was adjusting to her new surroundings (when she was the one who put her there) and the rest of us are kept away?  She was also allowed to take mom out, whereas the rest of us were not.  She said Mom was happy and safe there.  I told her, "Of course she's happy when you come to see her and you're dangling your car keys and saying you are going to take her out for ice cream."  She just didn’t see it from our perspective.   

I flew back to Chicago to visit my mom the week of Mother’s Day.  This was only a month after she went to live in the nursing home.  All of my kids and grandkids flew in, too.  One of my kids actually lives in Chicago, only an hour away from my mom, which is good, because when I go back to visit I have a place to stay.  While we were there, we weren’t allowed to take my mom out for a drive or for ice cream.  She would see me come into her room and she would immediately say, “Let’s get out of here.”  But we couldn’t.  Renee wouldn’t allow it.

Those first few visits were tough.   I went to visit her five times during that week.  My kids were there for the first visit, and that went well.   She seems happy when there are a lot of people, because she likes to see everyone.  But going there alone is a different story.  Mom is at her most revealing self.   Almost every visit I would find Mom laying sideways in her bed, with her coat and shoes on.  She would wake up immediately and jump out of bed and say, “Let’s get out of here.”  But I wasn’t allowed to take her anywhere. 

Mom was asking about her car.  Apparently they told her that her car was in the parking lot, so we went along with it.  She went on and on about her car.  My boyfriend was with me and he was able to help calm her about her car.  She wanted to go home and she asked who put her there and why.  She wanted to know who was paying for it and she said she better not be.  She said the longer she sat there the older she gets and she said she didn’t want to die there.  She said this is the place where people go to die.  She said she worked hard to save her money and she didn’t want it going to the nursing home.  She pleaded with me to help her.  The last time we walked out, before I flew back home, she followed us to the locked door.  I had to shut the door behind me and leave her there.  When only moments before that, she said, “When you leave, take me with you.  Don’t leave me here.”  I went out to the car and cried.

I understand there comes a time when someone may need to go to a nursing home.  When there’s no other options available, no one to care for them, when they can’t feed themselves, dress themselves, go to the bathroom, walk, etc.  But my mom was not like that.  And she had me and another sister who offered to take care of her in her home, or an apartment, or wherever Renee would allow it.  She just refused to let us.   

Renee had texted me as we arrived in town and she said she wanted all of us to go through Mom’s house because she was putting it up for sale.   Nobody was allowed to go into the house except her.  She had already been there and gone through everything and packed up and brought home what she wanted to keep, and threw out a lot of things that were of no value to her.  I always said that I should have been the one to do it because I am more sentimental and I would have made sure everyone got what they wanted.  Nothing would have been disposed of.  I offered to come back and do it, but she ignored my offer.  She picked a date to go through Mom’s belongings, but it was the day I was flying back home.  I told her I couldn’t that day.  We texted back and forth and finally she said she can’t drive the three hours to Mom’s house on the days that I was available to do it, which was just about any day except the day I was flying home.  She didn’t come up with a workable date, and she just let it go.  I didn’t know if my sisters went ahead and went through Mom’s house without me because she didn’t let me know the rest of the week.  I thought they all should have made themselves available for when I was in town because I was the only one who didn’t live there, and they knew for a month when I was coming home.   

Renee was going to have a Mother’s Day party at a park instead of her house, because Annie said she wouldn’t go if it was at Renee’s house.  Annie was also very upset with Renee for how she was handling things.  Renee changed her mind and said the party was now at her house, and she didn’t bother to invite Annie.   My kids and grandchildren, and two of my sisters went to Renee’s house for Mother’s Day.  It was very uncomfortable, as I couldn’t even talk to my sisters.  I thought they went through Mom’s house without me.  They didn’t communicate with me, and it was a very sad and hurtful time.  I wanted all of us to have a meeting, to talk about things and try to come to an understanding and put some of the hurtful feelings to rest, but Renee ended up leaving the party after an hour and a half, to go pick up her daughter.  We needed her there for the meeting because she was the one in charge of everything.  Another failed attempt at having a family meeting, just like it’s always been.  

I found out later that they all went through Mom’s house the day I flew back home.  Annie was not notified, so she wasn’t there either.  That was another promise Renee made, that she would not go through Mom’s belongings unless all of us girls were there.  Lynda also said she would not be a part of such a thing unless we were all there.  Well, two of us weren’t there.  That hurt pretty bad.  They took what they wanted and Renee threw out the rest.  Mom’s favorite rocker was put in the trash, her dining room table that I gave her disappeared, and most of the furniture was given away or thrown out.  I don’t know what happened to all of mom’s jewelry and personal effects, but I didn’t get any of it. 

Four months after Mom was placed, and after another trip up there to visit my mom, I was finally able to successfully change the rule Renee set about having to go through her to talk to our Mom.  They changed the rule after a lengthy discussion I had with the manager.  I told him it was ridiculous that my mom is not allowed to talk to her grandchildren.  I said they are all good kids and she loves all of them.  I told him this is hurting everybody.  He said he would talk to the team and talk to Renee to see about allowing Mom’s family to call her freely.  So, my kids and my other sisters and their families were finally able to call mom whenever they wished, without having to go through Renee. 

I got to know the staff and I developed a relationship with them.  The manager and I got to know each other through our phone conversations and meetings at the nursing home, and we developed a friendly relationship as well.  My boyfriend was able to explain some things that have been going on, from his perspective.   They understood the family dynamics that were going on.  They felt bad, but they had to follow the rules set by the power of attorney, whether they agreed with them or not.  Unfortunately, and I think some of the staff agreed with me, things should have been handled differently.

The manager told me the nursing home staff all like me and they enjoy my visits as well.  He said they can see how happy my mom is when I come to visit her and they believe that I am a loving and caring person who only wants what’s best for my mom.  They all knew that I still wanted to take care of my mom, and it had nothing to do with them or the care they provided for my Mom.  I told them that I appreciate what they do for my mom, it’s just that I felt that Mom should be with her family in her final years of her life.  They understood.    

On that second visit back, I was able to take my mom out of the nursing home to go for drives and out to lunch.  We went shopping a couple of times, and we just sat in the car numerous times, just to be alone to talk.  It was nice to have that freedom to do that.  Mom often told me she wanted to go home.  She confided in me about a lot of things.  I told Mom not to worry about anything.  I told her everything will be ok.  At that time I was still trying to get Renee to let me take care of mom before her house was sold. 

I went back to my hometown during this trip back, and I met with my sisters Kathy and Lynda about my wanting to care for Mom before her house gets sold.  They told me they were not understanding Renee’s decision to have Mom go to a nursing home when I offered to care for her, and they were on board with me.  I told them I need their support because Renee won’t let Mom go if it’s just me that wants to do this.  They promised me they would back me up and tell her to let me care for mom.  Originally they went along with Renee in what she was doing, but they were finding out that things were not as they thought they would be.

Before I flew back home my sister Kathy met me at my Mom’s house.  She had a key and let me go inside mom’s house to look around and see if there was anything I wanted.  It was listed for sale and almost everything was gone, so Renee told Kathy she could let me go inside the house.  She wouldn’t let me when the house was still intact, with everything still there.  She only had a few minutes so we walked quickly from room to room.  It was so sad and almost hard to imagine that our family home was gone.  To me it was gone already because Mom was no longer living there and all of the things that made it a home were gone.  The rooms were bare.  The only items left were what was left behind in the closets and kitchen cupboards.  The garage had a few boxes and items placed in there, along with Christmas boxes.  I took a wrought iron mirror that I bought my mom for Christmas when I was 18 years old, and a wooden wind chime that was still hanging on the back patio.  Mom had about five of them, and I wanted to have one to listen to on my own back patio, to remind me of my mom.  I wrapped these two items in plastic and I hand carried them on the airplane to make sure they got home safely with me.

I still had hopes that I could come back home and get Mom out of the nursing home.  My boyfriend was totally onboard with this idea.  Mom likes him a lot and they get along very well with each other. I talked it over with all of my sisters and said that I thought this would be the best thing for Mom.  She wants her family, she needs us and we still needed her.  I said that we could have a family meal every Sunday, and whoever was able to could come over and be together with Mom.  I told my sisters I wouldn’t be asking them to pitch in.  I would hire someone to help care for Mom.  I had a wonderful plan.  I knew it would be hard to carry it out with having to deal with a difficult sister, and the problems we would most likely have.  I knew that it could cause a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend.  I also knew what it would be like caring for someone with Alzheimer’s.  I knew what I was in store for…I cared for Mom for six months.  I knew it wouldn’t be easy.  But I love my mom, and I truly felt that this was the best thing for her.   

Blog 30: One Disease, A Million Fragments

Mom was pulled from her home and taken away by one of my sisters, who gained control of everything.  I lost my rights as a daughter the day Renee got control.  My other three sisters lost their rights, too.  It’s so sad, what happened to our family.  Alzheimer’s changed all of us.  We were no longer the same.  Each and every one of us broke apart.  We were no longer considered in decisions regarding Mom.  Only one person was making all of the decisions, with no consideration for the rest of us, and that caused the separation of our sisterhood.  One disease, a million fragments.  Could we put us all together again?  

Mom was very scared when she was taken and secretively admitted to the hospital.  It was a very emotional time for her and she did lots of crying.  Mom had to sit through a hearing with a magistrate, alone, because Renee left her in the hospital for two and a half weeks and went on vacation.  She told the hospital not to release her until she returned.  When she was released, Renee picked her up and brought her to live with her in the suburbs of Chicago.  The judge said she couldn’t go home.  Renee got her wish, but she didn’t want to bring her home, she wanted her placed in a nursing home.  She kept Mom with her until she found one.  She promised all of us that she would not place mom in the Chicago suburbs, where she lives, because it is three hours away from her hometown, where three of her five daughters lived, and most of her grandchildren and great grandchildren lived.  She said she knew how important it was for Mom to see them and for them to see her and she wouldn’t take her away like that.  Everyone was worried she would not keep her word.  And they were right to worry. 

There was so much hurt and bitterness towards my sister for what she had done.  I didn’t even want to see her or go to her house anymore.  We used to be close, but we were separated by our differences.   I didn’t understand why she did what she did and how she didn’t even care how anyone else felt about it.  Our feelings were not considered.  We were left to feel helpless and ignored.

We always promised Mom and each other that we would never put her in a nursing home.  We said that she took care of us and would do anything for us, so we would do anything for her.  She has five daughters, and it’s not like there weren’t any of us who were willing or able to care for her.  Mom feared going into a home and she often said we just wanted to get rid of her and put her in a nursing home.  We promised her we would not.  Renee seemed to have forgotten about all of that. 

We had discussed with each other that the only time we would consider placing Mom is when she can no longer walk, dress herself, feed herself, go to the bathroom on her own, and when she no longer knew us.  That was the only time we would consider it.  We made that promise to each other.  Mom was still able to do all of those things.

Mom lived with Renee for six months.  My sister Lynda said that it was working out and she was going to stay indefinitely.  I thought maybe Renee realized Mom wasn’t ready to be moved to a nursing home, but I found out later, things were not working out with Mom there, and she was getting everything in order for her to go to a nursing home.  Renee and Mom always had a strained relationship, it wasn't any different now.

Renee had taken Mom to a new doctor there and had another evaluation done.  It was determined that our mom had a combination of things...vascular dementia, probably brought on by high blood pressure and cholesterol, with some alzheimer's, and possibly even lewy body disease.  It's been a year and a half since I've heard anything new and to this day I don't see any signs of lewy body disease.  Mom does not have nightmares or hallucinations and she doesn't show any parkinson type symptoms.  I know that diagnosis can change as time goes on, and I do not know if there's new information, because Renee doesn't share that with me. 

Mom does have sleep apnea, even though she is very thin, and that could have contributed to the dementia.  My sister Lynda always wanted Mom to go in for a sleep study but Mom refused.  Lynda works in the field and she feels very guilty and responsible for not making Mom get help for it years ago, when she first noticed she had it.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  None of us ever thought about dementia or anything like that, ever before.  It's not Lynda's fault, it's not anybody's fault our mom got this disease.  I remember seeing Mom breathe like that for the first time.  I was living with her and caring for her, and I walked into her room to check on her.  She wasn't breathing and I thought she passed away!  I was so very scared.  I looked at her chest and saw no movement.  I stood there frozen, just staring, waiting for her to breathe.  After a minute, she drew in a big breath.  I started noticing her breathing pattern when she was sleeping.  She would breathe normally and then stop, and after several seconds she'd start breathing again.  It was scary.  I don't know if that caused the dementia, but according to Lynda, it probably was a contributing factor.  

When I called to talk to my mom while she was living with Renee I was often not able to talk to her.  If Renee wasn’t there, a caregiver was with mom, and Renee instructed the caregiver to not answer the phone.  If Renee's kids were home with my mom, they were told not to answer the phone.  It seemed the only time I could talk to Mom was when Renee was available to monitor and listen in on the phone conversations. 

Mom would try to talk secretively, and she would tell me that Renee was listening in.  She said she was afraid of her. She told me she had something to tell me but she couldn’t do it over the phone, and I was not able to just stop by since I lived half way across the country.   Mom would go into another room to talk, but Renee was probably listening in on another line.  Mom told me she wanted to go home.  I don’t know what Renee was so worried about.  I was not going to say anything to upset my mom.  I was happy that she was with one of her daughters instead of a nursing home, even though I didn’t want her with Renee.  I could never have any privacy with my mom.  I did go back to see her during this period of time and I took her out of my sister's house for the afternoon.  We had a long talk and all Mom would say was that she wanted to go home.  She was worried about her plants and her home getting broke into.  I assured her my other sisters were taking care of her home for her.

After six months, I received a text message from Kathy.  She told me Renee was going to be placing Mom in a nursing home next week and that Mom won’t live past Easter if she puts her there.  She was very upset and wanted me to do something to stop her.  I had no idea the time had come for her placement.  Nobody told me anything prior to that text.

I quickly responded and offered to come back to my hometown and live with Mom again and care for her. My boyfriend was willing to come with me and help with her care. I said I would do it for three months and possibly six.  We can reevaluate her condition and see how things go.  I strongly felt that Mom didn’t need to be placed yet.  I offered to do this to help Mom, first and foremost, and to save money, and lastly, to bring our family together again.  The nursing home she had selected costs $6,400 a month.  Mom doesn’t have that much money and she would run out, and then what?  Mom would have to go to a state run facility.  I didn’t want to see that happen.  So I offered to care for mom in her home.  But Renee refused.

Renee said she already did all the paperwork and leg work to get Mom placed.  She didn’t want to let me care for her at that point.  But where was her communication during this time, why didn't she let me know?  Once again, she controlled Mom’s future.  She placed her in a nursing home on April 11, 2011, only a couple of miles away from her house, which she promised all of us she would not do.  She was three hours away from most of her family, which created a hardship for most of them to come see her.

Even after Mom was placed in this home, I tried for several months to get Renee to allow me to come home and take care of Mom.  Renee was putting my mom’s house up for sale and my sisters were freaking out.  I wrote up a plan and sent it to Renee and all of my sisters.  Everyone else was in agreement with me doing this, but the one who wouldn’t agree was the only one who had the power.  I met with Renee and gave her my plan, but she got mad at me for even bringing it up.  She said it wasn’t good to move Mom again.  She said it would be a cruel thing to do to her.  I didn’t see it as cruel to bring Mom back to her home, when that’s all she kept saying was that she wanted to go home.   Renee moved Mom three times in the past six months.  She took her from her home, placed her in a mental ward, moved her to her house, and then put her in a nursing home.  She had made her decision and the rest of us needed to just deal with it.  She put Mom’s house on the market.

I felt that Renee had a personal vendetta against me, and therefore, she was not going to let me have Mom.   She knows I am a good person, responsible, caring, and nurturing.  I raised three wonderful kids who are now on their own, with their own families and successful careers, and I had the time, since I wasn’t working.  She knows I lived with Mom for six months and cared for her.  Now she cared for her for six months, too.  I felt that she did it, just so she could say she did what I did, and she didn’t want me to have her longer than she did.  I know that sounds totally foolish, but Renee would keep records of each and every time she came to visit mom and how long she stayed with her, etc.  I felt that Mom was being sent to a nursing home, simply because Renee didn’t want me to have her, when there was no good reason why not, other than the fact that she didn’t want to lose her control, or see me have success with caring for mom.  I don’t know if I would have success, but I was willing to try because my mom was worth the effort.

I even told Renee she could keep the control of everything.  I said I would live with Mom in her home, in an apartment, wherever…just so she didn’t have to be in a nursing home with strangers.  

Mom was so sad and scared.  Renee continued to control us by not allowing us to talk to our mom on the phone.  I will talk about this in my next post.  

Blog 29: Mom Was Taken, Part II

Please click here to read the first part of this blog post. 

At one point during this crisis, after Renee succeeded in getting the POA, I wrote her a letter and told her I will not come home to care for Mom.  I said I will come home to visit her, but she may as well not expect me to come back and take care of her.  I didn’t like what Renee was doing, and I felt that she was expecting us to care for Mom, while she dictated to us how to do it.  Basically, she wanted to run everything, from controlling the money, to controlling Mom and us.  She didn’t do anything before, because she said she didn’t have control, but now that she did, everything had to be done her way. 

She was telling Annie she could care for Mom, but I knew something was up with that because of the problems that had been happening.

Lynda also sent Renee an email that she was no longer going to care for Mom.  Renee basically came in and derailed everything that had been done for Mom.  Though I have to admit, since I moved, Lynda was not doing the best job as POA.  She wasn’t taking care of things in a timely manner.  Mom’s car was still in her garage, she wasn’t putting together a schedule for Mom’s care, and there were some phone calls that needed to be taken care of regarding Mom’s annuity, that she wasn’t doing.

Renee told us to not talk to each other about Mom, but to only talk to her.  We needed to talk to each other, obviously we needed support and a shoulder to cry on, and Renee was not the one to go to for that.

Renee was staying at Mom’s house the following weekend.  She had to do it, because nobody else would go over there after what she did.  She ended up leaving Mom home alone because her daughter cut her finger and she drove the three hours home. I understand it’s scary when your kids get hurt, but her daughter had her dad there with her, and it was only a small cut on her finger.  Leaving Mom alone could have been deadly.

Mom ended up taking her car out of the garage that night and drove off.  Annie went to her house and saw that she was gone!  She called my sisters and they thought Renee was with her.  Annie said Mom eventually came home, and she stayed with her that night.  Mom said that she went to the cemetery, which is a long ways away (who knows if she did) and to the store.  That was the last time Mom drove her car.  My sister Kathy ended up buying Mom’s Honda several months later, and inside the trunk were rotten groceries that she had bought that day she drove off alone.

Just two weeks after Renee met with the attorney and led him to believe Mom was well and able to make a conscious decision to appoint her POA and throw out the old one (which, by the way, we already had a statement from Mom’s doctor stating her incompetency), she did the unthinkable, and had Mom committed to the mental ward of a hospital.  She claimed she was suicidal and threatening to kill someone (probably Renee).  She didn’t take Mom to the local hospital, instead she purposely avoided her doctor, and she drove her out of town an hour away.  That hospital wouldn’t admit her.  So she drove her to another hospital even further away, and they agreed to admit her. 

She left her there for 2 1/2 weeks, and went on vacation with her family.  She never went to see her that whole time she was hospitalized.  She didn’t tell me or two other sisters about it.  We found out when we couldn’t reach Mom at home, and after three days of anxiety and wondering what was going on, the only other sister that knew, told us what she had done.  That’s how we found out. 

Renee said that said she would disclose everything to us when she got POA, but she was already showing how it was going to be.  It was getting scary. 

I spoke to Mom on the phone and she was very scared, worried, and crying.  It just broke my heart.  She didn’t understand why she was there.  She was in a lockdown part of the hospital and was not allowed phone calls or visitors after Renee found out she was talking to her daughters on the phone.  Mom was not mentally ill, she had Alzheimer’s.  I was 1,600 miles away, and I had no idea how long they were going to keep her.  I found out that Renee didn’t want them to release her until she got back from vacation because she didn’t want her going home, back into Annie’s care. 

Previous to this, Renee was telling Annie she could care for her.  She was tricking her to go along with the POA, when what she really wanted was to get Mom far away from Annie.  There was no talk about coming together as a family to discuss this.  I felt that us sisters should have been informed and been able to be a part of her decision.  Mom has five daughters.  We all love her very much and want to be a part of her life and care what happens to her.  We each had our own wishes for Mom, and we should have all been able to discuss our concerns and desires as a family.  To leave someone out and not care about their feelings, was a terrible disservice to Mom and to each other.  Mom said there’d be trouble if Renee was in charge, and she was right.

When Mom was released, they put her in Renee’s care.  Renee brought her home to stay with her and her family until she got things in order.  She was planning her next move, and we found out about it when we received papers in the mail.  All of us received a Petition for Guardianship and Conservatorship in the mail from an attorney.  We didn’t see it coming and I felt like I got hit in the stomach with a baseball bat.  That was the whole reason why she had Mom committed.  It was so they would say she needs a legal guardian.

A court date was set and I decided to object and I submitted a letter to the courts.  It stopped her for three months and it was set for another hearing.  My other sisters were not onboard with what she was doing, either.

During that three months, Renee was successful in getting two of the four sisters to go to court with her and testify on her behalf.  Somehow she got Lynda on board with her.  Lynda was the one she swooped in on and took the POA away from, and Lynda said she would never forgive her for it.  But Renee was good at manipulating and working her angles to get what she wanted, and knowing that Lynda could be easily persuaded because I was no longer living in town, she took advantage of her vulnerabilites.  She said the right things, and she succeeded in getting Kathy to go along with her, too.  Had I lived there still, Annie, Kathy, Lynda and I would have stopped this legal proceeding.  But I couldn’t really do anything since I moved and now lived 1,600 miles away.  What credit would the courts give me when I lived out of state?  My sister Annie stood all alone.  And she didn’t stand a chance.  Annie, Renee and I are the strongest ones in the family.  Kathy and Lynda will go along with whomever promises things will be easier for them, and as long as they don’t have to worry anymore.

The second court hearing was three months later, and I remained silent.  I decided to just let Renee have it.  I didn’t want to spend thousands of dollars of my money, fighting my sister in the court system, when Renee was spending Mom’s money seeking the guardianship.  I would have been spending Mom’s hard earned money if I would have dragged it out in court.  I’ve seen those types of situations from working as a legal secretary, and it could go on for years, and I did not want my family to be subjected to that.  I bowed out of the legal battle.

Renee made promises to us that I was hoping she would keep.  So far, she hadn't.  But I still had hopes that things would work out. 

Blog 28: Mom Was Taken

I went back home again in July and had a wonderful 10-day visit with Mom.  Sure, there were the usual upsets and problems related to her dementia, but all in all it was a good visit.  At times she seemed to like my boyfriend more than me.  They bonded really well together.  But when I left on July 25, 2010, I did not know that Mom would soon be taken away.  That would be the last time I would ever see my mom in her home, rocking in her rocking chair, sleeping in her bed, working with me in her yard, and sitting on the back patio on those hot summer days with a cold drink.  The last time I would see all of her things, her photographs hanging on the walls, her furniture, her prized knick-knacks and numerous gifts we had given her over the years that she proudly displayed on her table tops and book shelves, her cluttered space that we called home, everything that I had seen and known for all of my life since I was 8 years old.  It would all be sold, thrown out, given away or taken by somebody else.   

If I would have known, what would I have done differently?  I don’t know.  Maybe I wouldn’t have left, maybe I would have stayed and lingered a bit longer, and given her a tighter, longer hug.  Maybe I would have taken pictures of everything, or taken what I wanted to keep. I don’t know.  It would have been a long heartfelt, emotional day, the day I walked out of our family home and said goodbye...if I would have known.

Here’s what happened...

My sister Annie was staying with Mom most of the time, and she had called a locksmith to open the giant safe Mom had in her closet. Inside, she found a new Last Will and Testament, and a new Durable Power of Attorney for healthcare decisions, where Mom had changed the names from me and Lynda, to Kathy, Annie and Renee for healthcare decisions. She had changed all of this just a couple of years ago, and she told us she had a new will done but she never disclosed any of her wishes to us and kept it a secret.  We didn’t know for sure if Mom actually did that.  At the time, there were obvious signs that something was wrong with Mom then.  But every time we would ask her about it, she would hush us up.

The new Last Will and Testament had Lynda and I as Executor of her estate, which is what her previous will had stated.  There was not a new power of attorney drafted to appoint who was in charge of legal and financial affairs.  Therefore, the original one should have stood.  We assumed Mom changed the medical POA to allow the other sisters to have something to be in charge of, so that all of her daughters would have some level of responsibility and feel of equal importance.  Lynda and I as Executors, and Renee, Kathy and Annie as medical POA’s.  

Annie called Renee and she rushed into town and the two of them had a secret meeting.  Then Renee went to an attorney and had him draft papers to appoint her Power of Attorney.  I question the attorney’s ethics to do that, knowing someone is suffering with dementia, and clearly not able to make an important decision like that.  I worked in law for years, and we could have reversed this...but we didn’t.  Huge mistake.  Mom wasn’t even able to dial the phone or remember when she last ate, let alone make such a drastic change from what she originally wanted.  Renee told us about this afterwards and said that the attorney spoke to Mom and thought she was of sound mind and able to change her mind and appoint Renee to be in charge, therefore throwing out the former POA that Mom had made several years before she was stricken with Alzheimer’s. 

I remember speaking to her on the phone and I told her, how can you say Mom is well, when you’ve been trying to get Lynda to have her placed in a nursing home?  She said the attorney thought she was mentally with it.  I couldn’t believe what she was doing.  She was manipulating, to gain control. 

On the same day that Renee went to the attorney, she also went to the bank and said that she was now in charge as the POA and she opened a new account and had Mom’s money transferred over.  She also called the Post Office and had Mom’s mail delivered back to her house.  She told Annie she was putting her in charge of handling Mom’s mail and making sure she gave Renee the bills.  She told Annie she was going to let her care for Mom and she was going to pay her.  All along, she was fooling Annie, just so she would go along with her and not stop her from getting POA.  

Renee told Lynda and me about it afterwards.  We were completely taken aback by the whole situation.  Lynda was very upset because she felt like Renee pulled the rug out from under her and didn’t even discuss anything with her until after the fact.  Renee also told Lynda that from now on she is the new contact person for Mom’s doctors.  That was the icing on the cake for Lynda.  Lynda worked with the neurologists, they knew her personally, and they frequently spoke with Lynda regarding Mom’s illness.  And now Mom’s neurologist could no longer discuss Mom’s disease with Lynda, even though she worked beside them everyday.    

When Lynda told Mom’s doctor about the situation he was very displeased with Renee.  He felt like she was a swooper, by butting in and trying to take over when Lynda was already taking care of things.  And the way Renee spoke to the doctor, she was not well received because of the way she spoke to him.  

We could have fought Renee on it. But she played the part well in the beginning. She played the part well in the sense that she said that is what Mom wanted, and she told us how she was going to proceed forward and include everyone in her decisions.  She told the rest of us that she would have full disclosure.  She said she will post all of Mom’s receipts for everything she bought, including groceries, bills, and medical expenses, etc.  She said she will be transparent and let us know everything that was going on.  However, she did not keep her word.

I knew in my heart that’s not what Mom wanted.  The words resonated in my head of what Mom told me that day she had her first will and POA’s drawn up when she was healthy and well.  She was happy to have me in charge, with Lynda as the alternate.  She always told me I was very responsible, and being the oldest she felt good that I would make the right decisions on her behalf.  She also told me that there was no way she wanted Renee to be in charge of anything.  She said there would be trouble and she wouldn’t be fair.  She said it over and over, and to this day, I feel so guilty that I didn’t stop Renee.  I knew what my mom wanted when she was well.  I felt like I failed her for moving and putting Lynda in charge because she isn’t as strong as me.  According to Renee, Lynda didn’t move fast enough in getting Mom placed in a home.  I think she was really happy that I moved and put Lynda in charge, because I really believe that Renee saw Lynda as the weakest link in the family and she went in for the kill. 

Renee wanted Mom placed in a nursing home, yet she took her to an attorney to have a legal document drafted to put her in charge, pretending to the attorney that Mom was well and of sound mind.  She manipulated the situation the moment she arrived in town, by telling Mom she was going to fix everything, and telling Annie that she was doing a good job and she was on her side, when previous to this, she was telling us Annie is toxic to Mom.  She not only worked the system to her advantage, but she tricked her mom, and she tricked her sisters, to get what she wanted. 

Mom and Renee always had a strained relationship.  Of course she loved her daughter very much, but Renee had a way of upsetting Mom, and they often clashed. Mom would frequently hang up the phone on her or tell her not to stay at her house when she came into town.  It was sad to see it happen, but that’s the way it was, on occasion, throughout the years.  I used to feel sorry for Renee when she would cry out to me that Mom didn’t want her to come into town, or when Mom would tell me she just had an upsetting conversation with Renee and she hung up on her.  Mom would make her leave early, or Mom would cancel her trips to go and visit her.   I understood what was going on because the rest of us girls also had those types of upsetting conversations with Renee.  She just has her own way of communicating that sometimes comes across as controlling and bullying, often making others feel diminished.  It didn’t used to be a big problem though because she was our sister and we loved her regardless, and we were usually able to get over whatever happened.  We just learned to accept her for the way she was.  Because as much as she was that, she also had some great qualities.  

When Renee did what she did, Lynda said she didn’t want anything to do with her.  She avoided her and avoided her phone calls and emails, because she felt completely violated and so hurt.  Renee said she did it to help Lynda.  But we all know the real reasons why she did it, she wanted control.

Two weeks after Renee took Mom to the attorney and he declared she was of sound mind and able to make a conscious decision to change her previous power of attorney, she did the unthinkable....continued on next post. 

(I just want to say that this post was very difficult to write.  I mulled it over for days. It’s hard for me to talk about my sisters in a bad light.  I don’t want to.  I just need to tell the story the way it happened.  Bringing up these things that have caused so much anger, hurt and resentment has pretty much taken a toll on me this whole week.  I love all of my sisters, and I want everyone to know that.)

Blog 27: Communication Among Sisters Should Have Been Easy

As I mentioned before, I couldn’t get everyone to put together a schedule of when they would be available to stay with mom.  I figured with four sisters, they should be able to come up with something workable.  But if it wasn’t going to happen when I was there, I guess it wasn’t going to happen when I wasn’t there either. 

Annie was the one who was with our mom the most.  She typically stayed with her Monday night through Friday morning.  Someone else needed to be with Mom Friday morning to Monday evening.  That was where the problem was.  Lynda and Kathy couldn’t be there on Fridays and Mondays because of work, and a lot of the weekends they were arguing over whose turn it was to stay with Mom.  Lynda would take off work to be with Mom sometimes on those work days, but what Lynda needed to do was to hire outside help to cover those days.  She didn’t.  And Renee would come into town about once a month for a day or two, so they really needed to get a schedule together and hire a live-in or a helper to make it work.  

Not only was the schedule for Mom’s care not working, but there were problems with Mom’s money again.  If you refer to Blog 12:  The Firestorm Begins, I wrote about the issues with Mom’s money.  She had money in her house, hidden in a box under her bed.  I don’t want to tell the whole story over again, so that’s why I would like my readers to please refer to that blog post to understand what happened. 

When we realized $8,000 of Mom’s money disappeared from her house, I told Lynda to take the money before all of it disappeared. She opened an account and put the money in the bank. The account had mine, Lynda’s and Mom’s name on it in the beginning.  This caused Mom to worry about her money....again.  She wanted it in her control, and she wanted it in her house.  Kathy pretended she didn’t know anything about the money when Mom would ask her.  She was always neutral.  When Mom asked me, I said her money is safe in the bank, in her name, and nobody is going to spend it.  I tried to convince her that keeping that much money in the house was only going to entice a robber to come in and steal it, like what happened to her neighbor a few years back.   A neighbor was robbed and severely beaten and Mom always used to say he should have never kept his money in his house.  Renee didn’t offer any support after the way Mom and Annie reacted when Renee had the money.   She pretty much just said, ‘well, you guys made me return the money’, rather than trying to work on solving the problem. 

Lynda also had Mom’s mail going to a P.O. Box instead of her house because it was getting lost, bills were not getting paid, etc.  She would still get junk mail but she asked where her bills were and Annie called the post office and they told her the mail was being delivered to a PO address, and the request was made by Lynda.  That caused a big blow up, too.  

Annie went along with Mom in her reaction to her money being taken out of the house and put into a bank account, and demanded Lynda return the money.  Annie fueled Mom’s fire instead of trying to calm her down.  She told Mom she would take her to the courthouse to file papers and call the police to press charges.  Which is exactly what Annie told Mom when Renee had the money.  This was totally unnecessary, but Annie strongly felt that Mom should be in control of her own money and keep it in her house if she wanted to.  She accused the rest of us that we were stressing Mom out by taking away her rights.  She encouraged Mom's despair by allowing her to have ill feelings towards her daughters and letting Mom believe that she was the only one who loved her.  Annie did that because she wanted to have Mom stay on her good side.  She could not handle it when Mom got mad at her and if Mom would have turned on her like she did the rest of us, she would have been gone.  It was her way of coping with the situation, right or wrong, she handled things the only way she thought she could survive as Mom's caregiver.

Everyone had such strong feelings and everyone handled those feelings in their own way.  Annie is very sweet and caring and was really good with Mom, but she didn’t know how to control her anger if she felt wronged, so she would say mean things and yell and scream over the phone and then hang up.

Lynda would get hate phone calls at work and at home and she felt like Mom and Annie didn’t love her anymore.  She couldn’t understand why they were after her like this because she felt like she was doing the right thing and she had the support of the rest of us.  The thing is, she knew why Mom was reacting that way, she had Alzheimer’s.  And Annie didn’t know how to handle it.  Annie always reacted to Mom’s reactions and sometimes she just didn’t know how to say the right things.  Annie’s belief was that Mom should have her money with her, in the box, under the bed.  If that made Mom happy, that’s where it should be.  Looking back, maybe she was right.

Lynda’s feelings were hurt so bad by the mean phone calls and attacks from Mom when she was at her house, that she took the money out of the bank and put it in Mom’s mailbox one day after being threatened by Annie.  She didn’t even want to face them.  This put Mom’s money at great risk of being stolen because the money wasn’t found until hours later.  This caused Renee to be mad that Lynda would put all of that money in the mailbox.  Lynda was just so hurt that Annie and Mom kept calling her and demanding that she return the money, or else.  After that, Lynda stayed away from Mom’s house for awhile, and wouldn’t answer the phone if Mom or Annie called.  Annie got mad that Lynda wouldn’t come to help out anymore.  It took some time, but eventually she came back.  

Communicate, if we had all of this to do over again, that is what we needed to do. I’ve said that all along.  That is where we failed our mom.  That is where we failed each other.  Mom didn't understand how her world was changing.  And we were all trying to hang on to what we had left of Mom.  Communication among sisters should have been easy, but, when Alzheimer’s made it’s ugly appearance, it was the hardest thing we had ever faced.  Mom couldn’t make proper decisions and us girls couldn’t either.  That’s sad.  We could not agree on what was best regarding mom.  So decisions were made without consulting everyone, which caused hard feelings, which caused more bad decisions, which caused us to separate as a family, which is what Mom would have never wanted to see happen.  She always had great pride in her daughters and said that we stick together no matter what.  And we did, at one time.   

Blog 26: Going Back to the Farm

I know my last post was not so fun, and definitely was not a pleasant memory, but this is a much happier one.  

On that first trip back to see Mom after I moved, and either before or after the water incident (I can’t remember which), I thought it would be nice to take Mom for a drive out to the country to see the farm where she grew up.  The farm where she was born is down a dirt road not far from town.  There are only scant remnants of the farm remaining.  The house is gone now and pretty much everything else is too.  We went there a few times throughout our childhood and young adult years when the house was still standing.  I remember one particular time going out to the farm with Mom and my sisters years ago, and Mom had so many stories she shared with us.  That was such a memorable day that I will always remember and cherish.  

We had a picture of the abandoned, fallen down house hanging on the wall in our family home for years.  I remember looking at pictures of her standing on the front porch of that house and in various pictures of her at the school house down the road.  She was such a beautiful little girl and she grew up to be a beautiful woman.  I could imagine what it must have been like in those days on the farm.  From the pictures, it looked like Mom, her siblings and friends, had a lot of fun playing together.  

Mom lived at this farm from the time she born, until the age of 11 years old.  I remember the story of the day she was born, January 30, 1936, which was the worst winter ever.  Grandma went into labor and Grandpa had to trudge through the snow to alert the doctor that the baby was coming.  By the time he returned, my mom was already born. My great aunt and her family were living on the other end of the house and she was there to assist my grandma in her delivery.  It was her first time delivering a baby.  Just think of how scary that would be! There was nobody on the other end of a cell phone telling her what to do.  Times were so different back then, babies were often delivered at home.

We left that farm and drove to another rural town where my mom and her parents and older brother and sister moved to after selling the first farm.  They moved there when Mom was in the 5th grade, and she lived there until she graduated high school.  The house is gone, and it actually burned down after my grandparents sold the farm when I was 14 years old.  A new house was built in the same spot as the original farm house.  The barns, garage and shed are still there.  

It was so weird pulling into the gravel driveway and seeing the farm.  Of course I had seen it several times over the years, but now it had special meaning because of the fact that my mom was losing her memory.  I wanted to bring some old memories back to life for Mom and give us something wonderful to talk about as we drove around that day.   I wanted to absorb as much as I could, while I still could.   

A man was on a riding lawnmower and he stopped to see who his visitors were.  I got out of the car and told him who we are.  He said we are more than welcome to take a look around the farm.  Mom didn’t seem to want to get out of the car.  She sat there and watched me walk from the barn to the pig barn, taking photos along the way.  My, did all those buildings seem so much smaller than they did when I was a child.  Everything always seemed to be so much larger when we were children.

This is the barn. 

The barn door was open and I could see inside.  I could smell the hay and the dirty smell that is so reminiscent of old barns.  I could swear I could see some of the same farm equipment inside the barn, but I knew that was impossible.  That was almost 40 years ago that the farm was sold.  I thought of those weekends my sisters and I spent at Grandma and Grandpa’s house, and how we would play in the barn, fetch eggs from under the chickens in the chicken coupe, watch Grandma break the chicken’s necks and kill them for dinner that night, and how we learned to milk the cows and Grandma would serve that milk for dinner that night as well.  We would complain that we wanted real milk!  She would say, “Where do you think the milk from the grocery store comes from?”  At least it  didn’t have a film across the top and no lumps!   We used to watch Grandpa feed the pigs.  I can still remember the smell of the pig food, and it actually smelled good.  Lots of other memories came flooding back. 

Here's the pig pen.

I turned to look at my mom and she was about to get out of the car.  I asked her to come out and look around.  She wanted to leave.  I didn’t know what she was feeling.  When I got back in the car I asked her what she thought of the place and she said she was glad I brought her there because she wanted to see it again.  She didn’t really volunteer much to say so I talked about the things I remembered and the stories she used to tell.  She listened intently and chimed in when she had something to add. I wondered what her mind was thinking and processing when she was quiet. 

We left the farm and drove to the cemetery where my grandparents, her mom and dad, are buried,  as well as many other relatives.  She got out of the car and couldn’t remember where their grave sites were.  She always knew exactly where they were before.  

We walked over to the graves and Mom looked down at the tombstones and read the engraved names and dates of birth and death.  She handled it very well.  She and I just stood there and we each had our moment of silence.  I said a prayer and had my little talk with Grandma and Grandpa, like I always do when we go to the cemetery, and then we walked back to the car and headed back into town.

Mom, at her parents graves.

Our next stop was the house my grandparents bought after they sold the farm.  It was a little house in town, and one side of the yard had a row of peony bushes, still there, in full bloom.  Grandpa dug some up for me years ago and I planted them in my own yard, and every time I moved, we would dig them up and move them with us.  Mom had some in her yard too, transplanted from Grandma’s garden.  We have lots of memories of family holiday gatherings and visits with Grandma and Grandpa at their house.  I could still see Grandpa sitting on a chair in front of the garage.  He always sat there and watched the cars go by.  Grandma was usually in the kitchen preparing a meal or working in her flower garden.  She rarely sat down.  However, when we were there to visit, they stopped what they were doing and gave us all the love and attention that grandparents do.  They passed on and the house was sold many years ago. 

Peonies will always be a special flower to me.

Mom talked about our trip to the country for several days after that.  She told my sisters where we went.  I think it meant more to her than she could express.  I know it meant a lot to me, to share that afternoon of going back to her childhood, and mine, and making another memory.  A memory that she would forget someday soon.  

Blog 25: A Glass of Water and Boo!

After I moved, things were falling apart even more with my sisters.  I came back home six weeks later and I think my sisters were relieved that I was there for the next two weeks.  Things weren’t going well with them.  With me there, everyone could take a break from Mom, and each other.  

Mom was happy to see me and we had some very special and wonderful moments together during my two week visit.  I took her to Dillard’s, her favorite department store, and she quickly went over to the children’s clothing section and picked out some gifts for some of her great grandchildren. That was so sweet watching her shop and thinking about what to buy.  I guided her and helped her with the selections because she really had no idea about sizes and paid no attention to prices.  It reminded me of one of our other trips to Dillard’s, right before Christmas the year before.  Mom picked out sweaters for all of us girls.  She bought us each the same sweater, in different colors.  I will always save that sweater and treasure it because it was the last gift Mom bought for me.  I know my sisters will always treasure theirs, too.  

I was back home cooking for Mom again, taking her for drives, and just spending time sitting in the living room with her, reminiscing about our younger years.  For the most part, she was OK, but she did occasionally revert back to her old ways of wanting me to leave.  

When she would act that way it hurt my feelings.  I was there to visit her, not live with her.  I just wanted to be with my mom, but she would sometimes act like she didn’t want me there.  She was really moody.  

I slept on my make-shift bed on the floor most of the time unless she insisted I go upstairs because she wanted me out of her sight, basically.  On this one particular day, Mom was really wanting me gone.  I told her I was leaving to go back home soon and I wouldn’t see her for another six weeks, but she wanted me gone NOW.  She kept telling me if I didn’t leave she was going to call the police.  I finally just said, “Go ahead, you don’t know how to dial the number anyway!”  And she didn’t anymore.  That frustrated her.  Once in awhile she could use the phone and dial properly but that was very rare these days. She always got confused on the phone...how to dial, how to answer, how to hang up the call.  She would often call the bank or doctor’s office and proceed to talk to them when it was their automated voice system she was talking to.  

On this one particular night I went upstairs to sleep at around 11:00 pm because Mom was just being so mean to me.  She wouldn’t let me sleep on the make-shift bed on the living room floor.  I didn’t want to sleep upstairs because I didn’t trust what she might do downstairs since she was always getting up during the night to eat, take a shower or watch TV.  But at this point she didn’t even know how to turn on the TV anymore.  

Mom kept coming upstairs and turning on the bedroom light and telling me to get out of her house.  I told her to please go back downstairs and go to bed.  I told her I will leave her alone if she will just leave me alone and let me sleep.  She would go downstairs and then 10 minutes later she would come back up and yell at me again.  This went on until about 2:30 in the morning.  I couldn’t believe how she could continue that behavior for hours.  At one point she slipped on the stairs  as she was going down.  I hopped out of bed and ran to the top of the stairs and saw her standing at the bottom.  I asked her if she was ok and she said something about me not caring, and she slammed the door shut.  I went down to check on her and make sure she wasn't hurt.   

That didn't stop her though.  She continued to come up the stairs.  It got to the point that she would come into the bedroom and grab the blanket off of me and try to force me out of bed.  I thought she might try to hurt me because she was being pretty aggressive.  What if I fell asleep and didn't hear her coming?  I became scared.  Me, scared of my own Mom.  What was happening to us?  

I followed her downstairs at one point and I used the bathroom.  She sat in her rocking chair and I told her if she comes back upstairs again, she will be sorry.  I warned her and I said, “DO NOT OPEN THAT DOOR AND COME UP THOSE STAIRS AGAIN!”

I was so tired and I could see that she was, too.  I felt so sorry for her, yet I was so upset with her.  I started to doze off when I heard the door creep open and the light switch turn on downstairs, and the sound of her feet making their way up the stairs.  I mean it, I was scared of what she might do.  She was really mad at me.  She came into the bedroom, turned on the light and told me to get out of her house.  I told her I’m not leaving tonight, it’s too late to go anywhere.  After her best attempt, she huffed back down the stairs.  

Before she got a chance to come back up, I went downstairs and tried to talk to her.  She wouldn’t give up and there was nothing I could say.  I had already tried to call my sister Annie for help but couldn’t reach her.  I knew my other sisters would be asleep.  I figured I’d be up until Mom became so exhausted and would eventually fall asleep, and I went to the kitchen to pour a glass of water.  She followed me there, yelling at me to leave.  What I did, I am not proud of, but I was out of my mind, too, at that point.  I instinctively tossed the water from my glass onto her face.  It splashed all over her face and hair and down her shirt.  She blinked the water out of her eyes and spit some out of her mouth, and then she looked down at her wet shirt and with all the might she had in her she said, “You BITCH!  You got me all WET!”  


Then I walked to the living room, so upset over what I did, when I heard her in the kitchen, pouring a glass of water, and saying, "You know what I'm going to do to you?"  She came out of the kitchen holding a glass of water and walked towards me.  I couldn't believe what was happening as I ran around the dining room table.  I think she knew I could get away and the water would go everywhere, so, amazingly, she set the glass down.  

I’m sorry, if it wasn’t so sad, it’s funny.  But if it’s funny, then I’m sick.  But then, there’s more...

I raised my voice to her and I told her that I warned her if she didn’t leave me alone she would be sorry.  I said again, “Do not come up those stairs the rest of the night.”  Then I opened the door that led up the stairs and I turned around and shut it, and sat down on one of the steps and held the door shut.  I laughed and cried silently and shook my head in disbelief.  I did this to my mom, who is sick with Alzheimer’s.  What is wrong with me? I could hear Mom in her bedroom, changing her clothes and mumbling about how I got her all wet.  I heard ‘bitch’ a few times again.  

Then it got quiet.  I opened the door and saw Mom sitting in her rocking chair.  She was asleep.  But I knew that meant nothing.  She would sleep for five minutes and then bolt up and start moving.  So, I shut the door and waited.  Within 10 minutes I heard her get out of her rocker and make her way into the hallway.  She was on the other side of the door.  My heart started pounding.  I let go of the door knob.  Was she going to open it?  What would I do?  I sat on the steps and waited.

I don’t know if she hesitated, if she was thinking about it, or if she forgot what I said...but she opened the door.  Without even thinking I yelled out, “BOO!”  She jumped a few inches in the air and I never saw her eyes get so big.  I said, “I told you not to open this door!  I am shutting it now, and you are going to bed right now!”  

Yep, I lost it.  I was a bad, bad daughter.  That was the second time I lost it with Mom. The first time was the time I struggled to get the car keys out of the ignition as she sneaked out of the house and was pulling out of the driveway.  

I went back upstairs and she did not come up the rest of the night.  I should say morning, because by then, dawn was breaking.  I fell asleep and woke up a few hours later when I heard Mom moving around downstairs.  She never tried to come up there after she woke up.

I went downstairs and she seemed to have forgotten about the night.  I fixed her some breakfast and we got along fine.  However, she did remember, because she told a much different story of what happened to my sisters.  She told them I pushed her down the stairs and then I threw a bucket of water on her.  She would never bring it up to me.  My sisters didn’t believe her of course, and it would be months before I told Lynda about it, and almost two years before I would tell Annie.   When I told Lynda we both laughed, a very guilty laugh with sadness in our faces, if that makes any sense.