Blog 75: Letter To Mom

The following is a letter I wrote for my mom and read at her funeral service.  I started the letter the night before and finished it before leaving for the funeral.  It was so hard for me to write it.  I was grieving, I was emotionally drained, and exhausted, but I wanted to do this for my mom.  It was my last gift to her.

When the song Amazing Grace was finished playing, it was my cue to go to the front.  I walked up to Mom's casket and I told her I love her and that I wrote her a letter.  Looking at her, I just couldn't believe this was happening.  Just one week ago we were together, laughing and talking about her finally getting to go home.  She was showing me how to whistle and we ate chocolate and loved on each other like we always did.  I painted her nails and she was still wearing that polish while laying in her casket.  I didn't know she'd be buried in a week.  I swear, I thought I was going to just break down and cry my eyes out.  I asked God to please give me the strength to be able to read my letter. The chaplain had told me previously that if I can't get through it he will read it for me.  I wanted to read it all.

I walked up to the podium and told everyone that this was so hard for me to do but I was going to do my best, and I started reading.  I cried throughout, but God gave me the strength to continue.  I felt His hand on me and I felt my mom's love, and I was able to read my letter.


Dear Mom,

It’s been three days now since you’ve been gone and I can’t seem to comprehend the fact that I am never going to see your beautiful face again.  I’m never going to hear your wonderful soothing voice, or your laughter, or you saying my name and telling me that you love me.  I’m not ever going to be able to talk to you on the phone, or touch your skin, hug you, and hold your hand.  We won’t be able to share stories with each other or comfort each other, or whistle together and eat chocolate together.  Just having you around, just knowing you were here, was so comforting.  I will live the rest of my life without you and it hurts so much.  I don’t know how I can live without you, mom.  I need you still.  I feel selfish for saying that because I know you are at peace now and in a better place with Jesus. 

I’ve had a hard time writing this letter to you, mom.  I couldn’t find the words.  There’s too much I want to say and not enough time to process those thoughts.  All I can do is mourn and grieve right now and try to get through each day, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.   Right now I just want you to know that the things I learned from you are what made me the woman I am today.  You taught me how to love and how to put my family first.  You taught me how to be a mom and a nana. You didn’t tell me how to do those things, you showed me by your example.  You thought of others before yourself.  You showed me that family sticks together, and you were the rock that kept us together.  You taught me that no matter what bad things happen to us in life, we can get through it.  You never judged me for the mistakes I made and you always knew my intentions were good.  You were my mom and you accepted me as I am and loved me unconditionally.  You made me feel special, and you made me feel important.  That’s what moms do, and that’s what you did perfectly, for all of your daughters.   You loved us all the same. 

You always told us when we were growing up that we should never hate anyone.  You said that we may not like their ways, but we don’t hate them.  I still think of that today.  I also remember you getting really mad at us if we swore and you gave us a list of words that we could say if we got mad.  Those words were dang it and darn it.  Anything else was unacceptable.  When I grew into adulthood, I could never swear in front of you.  That’s because I respected you.  There’s more stories I could tell you about, that I remember so dearly.  I hope to share these stories with my sisters and they share theirs with me so that we can keep all of those memories alive for the rest of our lives. 

I will think of you every time I eat ice cream.  Right now I cry every time I eat because you couldn’t eat in your last days…not even ice cream.  I will think of you when I look at the music box you gave me, it plays the song Unchained Melody.  Everything you ever gave me will be cherished and saved through the generations.  I think of you ALL the time when I am with my grandchildren.  I can understand the love you had for my children and all of your grandchildren.  I understand that love and I find myself doing the same things you did, and the feeling I have, I know that’s how you felt.  I will think of you on every holiday, every birthday, and every time I hear the song You Are My Sunshine.  I just know I will think of you all of the time.  As time goes on, they say the pain will subside, but I will always miss you, always. 

Mom, there are so many things I want to share about you.  I’ve been finding myself just wanting to talk to someone, anyone, about you.  I want to tell them about what a wonderful mom you were.  I want to tell them detailed stories.  I want everyone who hasn’t had the pleasure of meeting you know what a truly loving and kind person you were.  I hope that you don’t mind that I talk about you so much.  I guess it just helps me feel that you are still around.   

You will always live in my heart, mom, and in the hearts of everyone who loved you.   We will keep your memory alive, and I can promise you, there’s not a single one of us who will let a day go by without thinking of you and missing you.  You should feel like you accomplished something great while you were here on this Earth.  It’s our job to show you the greatness you achieved as you look down upon your family… your family, your pride and joy, your happiness in life.  You have quite a legacy you’ve left behind, and you should be very proud.  I hope we can always make you proud.  Right now you are dancing with the angels in Heaven, mom.  Your feet and your legs are moving gracefully, your eyes are bright and gleaming, and your heart is filled with joy.  God called you home so that you can be free of your pain and live in wholeness again.  Someday we will be together, but in a way, we are always going to be together because you left a part of you in all of us, and you took a piece of us to Heaven with you.  I love you mom and I miss you so much. 

Your loving daughter,

Lizzie