Thursday, June 27, 2013

Blog 73: A Move Is Coming Soon

I'm getting ready to fly back home this evening to visit my mom.  So much is happening in that the time has come that my mom has run out of money and needs to be moved from the group home and placed in a nursing home that has a medicaid bed available.  I knew the time was coming.  It's unfortunate that now that she is in this lovely group home setting, with wonderful caregivers, she needs to leave.  The only good thing about it is she will be going back home, back to Iowa where she belongs, and where she should have been all along.  Back to the place where most of the family lives.  But, now she isn't going to remember most of them.  At least she will still feel comforted by their visits and sense something familiar about them, I hope.

I was included in a conference call a few days ago that had Renee, Kathy and Lynda on the other lines. Annie was not present for the conference call.  Renee told me that mom needs to be moved out of the group home and she found a place in Iowa that has a bed available.  The problem is, mom is no longer considered a resident of Iowa, and she needs to be for 30 days in order to qualify for medicaid there.  Paperwork needs to be filled out and submitted and it all takes time.  This was something Renee spoke of doing last year but for reasons I am not aware of, it didn't get done.

Renee said she wanted to know if Annie and I will rent an apartment to take care of mom for the one month interim before medicaid takes over.  She said if I don't, then mom will have to go to private pay until the money is spent down.  I felt like she was asking me only because she is desperate because funds are low and she knows that this process may take longer than a month and she is now wanting my help.  I asked her when I would need to take mom to Iowa and she said within a month.

When I told her that wasn't fair of her to spring this on me at the last minute she accused me of not wanting to do it.  I said that is not true, that I do want to help mom, but it takes time to find a suitable apartment (she suggested getting a furnished one),  and make all the necessary arrangements for securing hospice nurses and other help, as well as securing my home and making arrangements for the move and also the drive up there.   She knew I was coming up there on the 27th.  I'll have to fly back home and then turn around and drive back up.  I have heard her use the term that I come in at the eleventh hour to offer help, but this is exactly what she is doing to me.  Coming in at the eleventh hour to ask for my help.

I called Annie afterwards and spoke to her about this since Renee is too scared to call her.  Annie isn't sure she wants to take on this responsibility of caring for mom anymore, and I know I can't do it on my own.  Mom has advanced alzheimer's disease and requires much more care.  She is so angry with Renee for the way things were handled in the past and she said she knew this would happen.  As soon as the money runs out, Renee would send mom home and not want to have anything to do with being in charge anymore.  I don't know what to think.  I do know that Renee is done, she's exhausted.  She made that point clear on the phone.  She doesn't want to do this anymore and she ended up screaming hysterically on the phone and totally lost any sense of the world at that point.  I felt sorry for her, even though she brought a lot of it on her own by refusing to let me or anyone else help her.

I suggested we get together for a family meeting.  I said now is the time to do it...and how many times have I said that?  Maybe it will happen this time and maybe it won't.  We've all been talking about it, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  I want what's best for my mom and for all of us girls.  I hope we can reach an agreement and feel good about coming together as a family.

I'm really scared about what is going to happen to mom.  I'm scared of taking on the responsibility of caring for her, and I'm scared if I don't.  I just really need your prayer support.  Thank you everyone.  Thank you for praying for my family.


  1. Maybe all the sisters now understand how difficult this journey of caretaking is...and now maybe this is a way to bring you all together. I will pray that is so! My mom is here with me and my one person can care for an alzheimers patient. It is too draining physically and emotionally...and financially too. My siblings are not involved at all...sometimes that is good...sometimes I am bitter. If I didn't have my husband and young people to pitch in, I would have had to stop already. My Daddy's been gone 1 year and Mom is in stage 7 now. We could still have years with her...As hard as it is, I'm thankful each day that she is here with us!

    1. Thank you very much. I appreciate your thoughts and you sharing your situation with me. I am sorry your siblings are not pitching in. I don't understand how they can do that but I see it in our situation, too. This really is a very difficult thing for families to go through. It's so sad because nobody ever expects their family to be like that. When a devastating illness comes along, it changes your family.

    2. Caretaking is difficult and often a source of dissension among family members. I have much the same issues with many members of my family when it comes to my Dad's care. Even my son disappoints and that can really hurt. I feel your pain, I hope this situation gets worked out to everyone's best benefit soon!