Blog 50: I'm Not Going To Hold My Breath

Last night was a very bad night for me.  I felt at my lowest point ever, and had an emotional breakdown on the phone with my daughter, after receiving yet another disturbing email from Renee.  My daughter, unfortunately, has seen me suffer much more than what any daughter should have to see her mother go through.  She took it upon herself to leave Renee a voice message, and give her a piece of her mind.  

Renee’s blows to me have been hitting me right where it hurts.  She is blaming me for moving away.  I already have so much guilt about that.  She is holding me responsible for every failed attempt she has made to do the right thing for Mom, every sleepless night she has had, all the anxiety she has had, every fight she has had with her husband, and so forth.  She even ridiculed me for seeking out an Alzheimer’s support group, saying that she is the one who needs to attend support meetings, not me. I told her that we all need to go for some counseling and support.  I also told her she has no idea what my life is like and how I have been hurting and feeling so alone here without the support and comfort of my sisters.  I need help to deal with that.

I have come to the realization that there probably won’t be any reconciliation with her while my Mom is still alive.  Talking to her and receiving those emails, where she cannot let go of her anger, just raises my blood pressure and causes me so much stress.  That is so sad.  I didn’t want this, and Mom would be so very hurt if she knew.  I tried to mend things.  I tried for Mom.  I tried for us.   I love all of my sisters very much, even Renee, but I do not like her at all right now.  She and I just cannot get along.  There comes a time when you just have to let go and accept that you've done all that you could.  Renee does not care about having a relationship with me.  I am not going to hold my breath that she will ever change her mind.  We've been down this road before.

Renee has a masters degree in counseling, but she, of all my sisters, the most educated one, does not know how to relate to her sisters.  She does not show compassion and understanding to others.  If it's there, you don't see it.  She should know better and know wherein the problems lie, and she should understand more about the feelings of the rest of us.  Instead Renee talks to me like a teacher reprimanding a school child.  I've told her that she uses that tone and it is very belittling.     

Unfortunately, Renee is the lifeline I need to my Mom.   She will continue to withhold information and not tell me what’s going on.  I have been kept in the dark for the past two years as to what medicines Mom is taking, what the doctors are saying, and about what’s going on in our mom’s daily life.  This is her way to control and punish.  And I have to accept that I will not know these things. 

I do know that my mom was released from the hospital yesterday and taken to a nursing rehab facility.  How long she will remain there is yet to be seen.  At one point I considered moving back to Iowa, temporarily, to care for Mom.  Renee isn’t letting that be a possibility any longer.  I asked Renee if we can have a family meeting to discuss this option with everyone.  She said she didn’t want to be any part of a family meeting. 

I’ve heard that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.  I truly feel that my sisters and I have been put to the test.  We have been stretched and pulled and tugged at, to the point that we are hanging on by one thread.   That thread is our mom.  

I will be going to see her soon.  I'm hanging on for Mom.   She brought me into this world and I will never, ever leave her.  I will be there for her in whatever capacity I can.